a "re-tweet" of my favorite blog to read ( http://feeds.feedburner.com/SarcasmAndALittleWit ) : (bolded are all the parts i completely relate to)

Today you asked me, “How are you?” and I said “Good”. It was not a lie. There are a lot of things in my life that are good. I have a new job, new friends, and more love from my family that I probably even deserve. But, for some reason, lately I’ve been thinking about you. I’ll be honest: I thought those days were over. I thought I was over that hump. I thought I had moved on totally and completely.

You made chit chat. Asked me about my job, my weekend. You chose not to address the elephant in the room. How one day I stopped calling your phone, stopped sending messages, stopped reaching out. One day I said enough and walked away. Maybe there was a part of me that thought you’d put up more of a fight. I guess that part of you has been fading ever since we met. I remember only one time, 3 years ago. I was still in college. I was doing the only thing I can seem to do. I was being short. Distant. Guarded. You asked, “What is wrong with us?” Us.

As I probably secretly knew you would, you let me leave. Never even glanced back in my direction. Maybe it’s a conversation you don’t want to have. We’ve never been good at those conversations. We both shut down.

Lately all that has been going through my mind is what you’ve been doing this whole time. These months when weeks go without a word between us. I’ve had a family tragedy, a new job, new friends, but no romance. I know you. I remember how you forced your way into my life even though I knew even at the age of 17 you were trouble. All this time that your life has been absent of me, there have been others. And all I can picture is your hands on them, the sweet words you’re saying. The new hearts that you’re preparing to crush. Maybe my biggest fear is someone else will stick. Then, what is there to think? Why not me? Why wasn’t I enough?

I will patiently try to weather this storm. I will sit in my little boat, life jacket on, holding on with everything I have. These months that I’ve been strong will not wash away with the storm. Hopefully I’ll emerge renewed, motivated, stronger than ever.

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(now back to me writing):

i had a dream about you the other night. my best friend was there, and other people from high school, and i felt like i either was trying to hide you because i knew they'd be mad if i was with you again (because none of them liked it, they warned me away). and the other half of me was at my absolute happiest, because i was with you. whaaaat. whyyyyy.

fell in love all over again moment: when you pulled me down into your lap in the middle of the street. i keep replaying that one lately, despite the fact that it was two and a half years ago. despite the fact that in that time i've graduated college, gotten a real job, moved states away, started a whole new life, and yet where you are is home. it's just not fair. when i reach out, you might respond. but not with the urgency or need that i have to have you in my life. i find you essential, you find me an option.

as always, i'm struggling and you've completely disappeared, fallen off the map, off the face of the earth, only to re-appear when i least expect it, a sick punch to the gut while simultaneously the butterflies explode in my stomach. fraaak.

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(and now to quote some taylor swift to close it out-dear john...) :

and i lived in your chess game, 
but you changed the rules every day 
wondering which version of you i might get on the phone tonight... 
i see it all now that you're gone... 
the girl in the dress, 
cried the whole way home. 
i should've known 
well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame 
maybe it's you and your sick need to give love than take it away... 
and i'll look back and regret how i ignored when they said 'run as fast as you can'... 
you were an expert at sorry 
and keeping lines blurry