meggalina's Xanga

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 06:56:54 GMT

well, i made the cut. despite whatever not talking battle we're in, that has to count for something.

i fear whatever that cutback means...

please, please, please. i know we have a tendency to repeat our history, but... really?

i'm sure i could make a whole list of reasons why we would be a bad idea (all of them very make-or-break reasons, i like an artist that you don't, you think i'm too bright...)... but then i feel what's in my heart, and i wonder who could ever give a shit about some stupid list, when they feel what they feel... actions speak louder than words.

tell me you don't love me until forever. every day. you can say it until you're blue in the face, but when you say it while pulling me into you... no wonder i don't believe you.

so much happens between now and then... and yet, you make me laugh until i cry. this is a problem. and by a problem, i mean it's lovely. i hope your heart still makes mine jump like this then...

so, so torn about what comes next.

still need to practice that guitar...

lee blessing, i find new things in your writing every time i read it. delightful and heartbreakingly beautiful, with deeper depths and truer truths, multiple meanings and real relationships... thank you.

-------------------

i'm too bright. i wear too many colors. i like to dance and shake my ass. i want you to think i'm pretty. i like people who are bright and bubbly. i am nice to everyone. my heart is so open. i'm too clean. i'm too judgemental. i'm too self-conscious. i'm too needy. i believe in exclusivity. i'm a mess. i'm moody. i hate your movie tastes. i don't fall so easily into bed. i don't always think before i speak. i smack my gum. i want what's best for me, for you, for everyone. i think before i speak sometimes. i hear what you say. i want to cuddle. i want to know you, everything about you.

you don't know why you don't love me. are any of the above valid enough reasons? i know they all bug you. maybe you can come up with some combination of them to tell me. over and over and over. ...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 08:27:12 GMT

i cut my hair. to shoulder length. i think i like it.

i love fall. the older i get, the more i hate winter. the snow has turned from being a fun reason to get to stay home from school, into a scary, cold, pain-in-the-ass. i hate driving in it, i hate walking in it, i hate the anxiety i feel when i see it. argh.

i make myself impossible to love. i've pushed away some of the best people and i don't know how to make up for that. i try to draw in others that i shouldn't to compensate. as if that were possible.

trying not to be the terrible person that you think i am. trying to determine if it's the pot calling the kettle. every single thing you said to me you do too. where do you think i got it? it drives me crazy to be so much like you. you can be like you and the only person it hurts or bothers is me. i can be like you and it hurts and bothers everyone, but maybe ultimately, in the end, me most of all. how to change what you've been taught all your life?

these are the thoughts that have kept me up all night...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:11:00 GMT

happy i don't have to answer to you.

has to be awake in 5 hours for an appt with the oral surgeon.

would like to be given an actual chance instead of getting thrown under bus... after bus...

baby i love you
that's why i'm leaving
there's no talking to you
and there's no pleasing you
and i care enough
that i'm mad

got told by a 17-yr-old yesterday that i look 18 or 19. the list of people who think i look like a teenager grows...

"you can't change the past, but you can change the way you view it."

i think i need to see 500 days of summer again. you know, in all my downtime.

my little brother is 22 today. i'm still trying to accept that i'm no longer 22... crazy.

some days i don't care. i really don't. and others, i really just want you to suffer as badly as i do.

my ipod just went from paramore to something corporate to styx to jack's mannequin to kelly clarkson... holy oldschool.

call me in five years... until then... keep being my friend?

downsize, downsize, downsize.

i've started repeating things so they appear three times... why, i know not.

need to start planning a year from now... now.

this is a story about... not you. too cryptic?

you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've, should've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on. -tupac

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 07:31:11 GMT

writing. a form of expression my emotions. guitar... could be a way to express my emotions, should i ever learn how to play it. running... a task i hate, but a good way to get out emotional energy when i seem to have no other outlet.

i miss dancing. i miss movement. i miss the stream of emotions and expression i can go through with it. i miss the structure, i miss the freestyle, i miss the ability to cut loose and not feel pressured for it. gah.

i actually understand what people mean when they say they don't trust the media. firsthand experience, along with a general mistrust.

it's wrong. you're the person i most look forward to seeing. i always know where you are, even in a room full of people. the way you looked at me the other night. we had a whole conversation, fifteen feet apart, with a dozen people around, without saying a single word. eyes, just the eyes. play for me, sing for me. i care if you think i look pretty, if you laugh at my jokes, if i do something clumsy in front of you.of course you share a birthday with span, of course i can't talk to you or anyone else about this. i wonder if i'm completely insane, losing my marbles in wherever it is that i think i am. if i'm there alone.

teen angst doesn't go away when you stop being a teen. it fades when you stop being around people your own age, but the smallest of opportunities brings it out uncontrollably.

i miss my parents. i miss getting tucked in at night. i miss making them laugh. sometimes they're so formal with me, so distanced. i don't want to be a stranger to them. like i'm becoming...

i think i'm in need of some serious photography time...

tomorrow:
house laundry
personal laundry
coffeeee
reading
photography- outdoors?
gym
shower
rehearsal

writing and guitar need to work themselves into my day-to-days as well... maybe need to go figure out about some yoga as well... tap into that outlet!

joan of arcadia... quality. gives me a lot to think about. i'm a student of life? i keep searching, trying to find deeper meaning in everyone else's words, their findings, their thoughts and ideas, so certain that they've seen something i haven't, something i haven't experienced yet, or have overlooked or missed entirely. that's not so unprobable...

call the parents. call the brother. call the bff. call the ones who matter. and they all do, so very, very much. <3

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 06:31:30 GMT

some unfortunate things have happened this week. but then, are they so unfortunate?

my mom said 'this brings about the opportunity for change'.

a lot of times, change means going through difficulty before finding the better thing. so, things might get tough. but in the end, they will work out?

my personal goal is to stop being so spendy, and start proving myself, to myself.

in other news, i'm trying not to close off my heart.

a year and a half ago, calling you was easy. how far things have come... it's august. a year ago... wow. maybe it's just the season of wanting so desperately to be in your company, your favor, your light, your love, your embrace.

follow through with your decisions- accept the consequences. right. easier said than done. but wise words to ponder.

i like collecting wise words.

my life according to... a few of my faves

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 19:37:23 GMT

(so i'm breaking the rules. get over it.)

Are you a male or female?
joyful girl (ani), wild girl (matt pond)

Describe yourself:
only heart (john mayer), talking bird (death cab), so much trouble (matt pond), pressed in a book (shins)

How do you feel?
comfortable (john mayer), all is full of love (death cab)

Describe where you currently live:
in your atmosphere (john mayer), living in your letters (dashboard), east coast E (matt pond)

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
home life (john mayer), coney island (death cab), Kc (matt pond)

Your favorite form of transportation:
passenger seat (death cab), sea legs (shins)

Your best friend is:
superhero (ani), so beautiful (dashboard), clarity (john mayer), sunlight (matt pond), girl inform me (shins)

Your favorite color is:
pale purple (ani), she paints me blue (soco), pink bullets (shins)

What's the weather like?
hurricane (ani), no sunlight (death cab), hurricane (soco)

Favorite time of day:
the whole night (ani), as you sleep (soco), isn't it a lovely night? (decemberists)

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?
the brilliant dance (dashboard), the true story of what was (ani), the hazards of love (decemberists)

What is life to you?
78% h2o (ani)

Your relationship:
you each time (ani), unrequited (ani), heartbreak even (ani), until the east coast ends (matt pond), carry you around (ani), i was once a loyal lover (death cab)

Your fear:
standard lines (dashboard), not a pretty girl (ani), crooked teeth (death cab), won't want for love (decemberists), bad days (soco), the celibate life (shins)

What is the best advice you have to give?
remember to breath (dashboard), roll with it (ani), gratitude (ani), debate exposes doubt (death cab)

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
victoria (john mayer), minerva (ani), claire (matt pond), pam berry (shins)

Thought for the day:
you had time (ani)

How you would like to die?
quiet (john mayer), i will follow you into the dark (death cab), honestly (matt pond)

Your soul's present condition:
distracted (ani)

Your motto:
carve your heart (dashboard)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 06:56:22 GMT

updates, updates, updates...

i bought a guitar.
that i never have time to practice.
we completed "rock legends".
sooo different from "rave on", in it's entirety. probably for the best, but still disappointing.
i'm not sick. thank god.
however, a month later, i still am rocking some serious bruising. swell. two weeks? psh.
i've spent waaaay too much money lately, on music, on books, on dresses, on food. oy.

i enjoy dan and i enjoy casey. the more others leave, the more the relationships change. for the better, definitely. nothing to do after 10 pm... last night was 'family game night'...

crush. thank goodness... let's hope it's worth the wait.

silence is the most intolerable of answers. -mason cooley

i can't forget you
or anything you say
you sang that song in my ear...
love is a puzzle
some pieces they adjoin
it's not like that with us
but i keep flipping that coin

first you'll...
say you never had love so divine
but it will go from
more than ever
to not enough
in no time
you will push and
you will push un-
til you push me away...
i guess for me
there's been a few
who've walked up smiling
and drawn a line
between so far
and from now on
yes a big glowing
line in time
and i've been disappointed
i've been heartbroken
yes i too have
loved from afar

when i run in the dark, daniel
to a place that's vast, daniel
under a sheet of rain in my heart
daniel, i dream of home
but in a goodbye bed
with my arms around your neck
into our love the tears crept
just catch in the eye of the storm
and as my heart ran round
my dreams pulled me from the ground
forever to search for the future
for home again, for home again

you could love me
yeah, you've entertained the thought
but you say i'm not the one
so i wish you'd rather not

why does every
goddamn daydream
become about you?
you here with me,
me there with you,
you wanting this
as badly as i do.
you did, once...
twice, really, whenever
it suits your fancy.

i read a whole book,
because it was
something to do.
i read a whole book,
because it distracted
me from you.
your absence
overwhelms me,
swallows me
whole. i'm trapped,
in silence. i listen
for your voice, your
laugh. i squint
my eyes and try
to make your face
appear. the details
of you are fuzzy in
my mind, fading.

i hope if i stand here long enough
you won't be able to resist all the
reasons you once loved me
and they'll spill over into the present
once more
and you'll kiss my cheek
and bygones will be bygones
until tomorrow
when this all gets played out again
i celebrate my temporary victory
knowing it won't last
but opening my heart to you anyway
because i've never been able not to

why do you insist on telling me every dirty,
awful thing you've done?
i think you think it will make me love
you less
get you off the hook, or pedestal i've put
you on, rather
instead, it sinks me further down in
the pit below you
muddy and dank
i'm drowning below you
i'm drowing just to be near you
it's like a fast for your love
and i'm starving

you know, it's possible to love someone else, you say
yeah, right, i snort
he's got my heart locked in a shoebox under his bed
there's no use trying to get it back
every time i try, it is just confirmed even more that it is forever his
come on, i say, let's go before i make the same mistake again
will you distract me from my past tonight?
i'll try to keep all my thoughts on you
i'm sorry to make you second fiddle to an asshole's first seat
he refuses to give it up
not wanting the position
but not letting go of it either
just revelling in his ability to keep it
an intriguing happening for him
a heartbreak repeat for me
musicians are so cruel
with their knock knock let's start this all over again
get up, get dressed
hold on, this needs a playlist
walls up, space in place
slowly moving closer
closer still until you're all i can see, all i can breathe
can't it stay like this forever?
trying so hard to make this memory last
as i already know the moment won't

i wanna breathe the black you wear
run my fingers through your hair and top your tattooed body
talk to me in frnech and tease me turn me on and get me going
your voice is deadly deep and damaging to me this tragedy of longing
can't feel free if i don't have you

oh, where did i go wrong, my love?
what petty crime was i found guilty of?
what better time to find a brand new day?
oh, wanderlust away.

go ahead, let him break your heart
in the end, if you're smart- you'll break his better
and he'll regret it
with every
little
shattered
piece

let me fall asleep in your arms
we can look out at the stars
maybe they'll be shining just for us
because we finally got it right
we'll fall asleep together tonight
and from now on
unto forever

i want you to open every single drawer
show me all your secrets
not be afraid
i'll hold your face in both my hands
and i say i love you even more
i didn't know it was possible

i wan tthat wall to fall
tumble
crumble
and never go back up
can you imagine the beauty of a wall-less existence?
oh, to dream
instant love
come on, let it go
you know you're the only one i want
pull me in, pull me under

i watched you sleep until 5 am
cause i wanted to be part of your dreaming
oh love, don't leave me by myself
or i'm bound to lose my meaning

motherfucker, i love you
every goddamn irritating thing about you
i find adorable, irresistable, charming
i love the delight you find in watching me think
your stupid laugh, your devious grin
every single touch
your candle drawer
your pajama pant collection

c'mon skinny love just last the year...
i told you to be patient
i told you to be fine
i told you to be balanced
i told you to be kind
in the morning i'll be with you...
now all your love is wasted?
then who the hell was i?
who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?

all i can offer you are farmer chords, these simple
rhymes and you painted in words
you can sing this when alone or whistle it through
your teeth and it
will feel like home no matter how far you'll be from
my lonely arms
outstretched just beyond
your reach singing, "ooh,
baby, please..."

i've been down this road before
i walk out the door
leave you on the floor...
looks like the rain's pouring down on me
it's drowning me now
and all i want to do is come back home
and this old corduroy jacket is not keeping me dry
but i can't think of what else to try
that's why the best thing i can give to you
is for me to go
leave you alone
you got growing up to do

regressing to lyrics on xanga, but so worth it. just getting it out of my system.

empty
nothing left
i would blame you
but i just don't have the
energy
strength
to do it anymore

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Thu, 14 May 2009 04:38:09 GMT

this is a story about things that open your eyes.

my friend was in a plane that got hit by lightning tonight. they had to make an emergency landing. luckily, he is fine. shaken, but fine.

another trip to the doctor when i get back from home. the biggest of the big tests thus far. hopefully this one will bring some answers.

thinking about you. wondering where you are. hoping you're okay. speculating on who you're meeting, what you're seeing, what you're doing. crossing my fingers that you're happy. that this doesn't bring you even further from me.

i need summer and to clean out my closet... not necessarily in that order.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:28:34 GMT

i'm honestly trying to decide if i believe in love anymore.

i dropped my heart, my soul, somewhere on the road that night. somewhere in that journey to your house, in that ultimatum, in the uncertainty of how you felt while wanting you to feel everything i felt.

first love versus true love. love versus lust. ever after versus right here right now.

a wonderful long overdue conversation. epic? just maybe...

Friday, April 24, 2009

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:10:02 GMT

the 99th break-up letter... is it really a break-up letter, when, in the end, we just get back together again?

for someone with so many kerouac-ian thoughts lately, i may have made a decision in the complete opposite direction...

a year...

the feeling of sitting in that car that night
so big and yet so small
so close and yet so far
broken-hearted and yet relieved
i'm still not sure we made the right choice
i still wonder if we should have fought harder
loved deeper
been more open
i am the one who broke us down
broke us up
with my anxieties
fears
insecurities
i still am trying to decide if i can live with the fallout
wondering if time will give me a chance to undo things
we've grown so far apart
i'm not even sure i know you anymore
that i even want to
but i miss you
your stupid hat
the way your hand held mine
the way you looked at me
falling asleep together
regret is an emotion hard to let go

in other news, i want to learn how to play the guitar. i have for years, but a little more actively as of recent. looking strongly into purchasing an acoustic... making lists of songs i want to learn how to play seems to help.

"portions for foxes"... an oldie but a goodie that seems to be our song... sigh. i would have opted for one with a happier ending.